Monday, March 07, 2005

由衷学习

混混噩噩地过完考试的日子。

花卉再度绽放的那一个季节,我企图卸下厚重的包袱。
它其实面积、体形不大,但确叫人打从心里对它筑起防线。包袱里面裹装的,不仅只是冗长的讲义、还有那永远无法令人释怀的考卷与习作。我的心不由自主的往下沦陷。

心中掠过一个小小的、的确小而又小的疑虑,把我坦荡的心烫的更慌。总以为挨过一番忙与盲后会有那片刻的悠然惬意,那其实也不过自己的痴心妄想。等待了许久才从容取得的平静也不过是昙花一现,我确定我还没能学会淡然,也许因为这样,想象与现实才每每有偏差。


他的一番话勾起了我心中那被封存的感触。熟悉的,是那坚毅有力的语气,那一般冷漠的表情,但偶尔还是会莞尔一笑,但恰恰这笑容能让周遭的空气飒然起变化,顿时柔和下来。没错,就是那种不经人工雕塑的自然神情,带点认真,但绝不造作。

我没有否定他,略一思索,赫然发现对事对物,我都确实少了一颗炽热的心。当初的那一份热忱已悄然跟着时间的流逝随之消失无迹。我称不上凡事用心,很多时候也只是盲目的跟从,我甚至鄂然发现得过且过的基因已在不知不觉间悄悄地住进我脑袋。霎那,我的胸口便如发生地鸣一般的震颤,过去的记忆丧失殆尽,我仿佛全然把当初的理想抱负给忘却了。

胸口陡然悸颤,但却显得那么无能为力。

心中正忘我地哭泣呐喊,但始终仅保持在心中的那一个小隅,现实中坦言我还没有那股狠劲。这样的压抑让我感到分外别扭。


在这一刻我感觉到内心突然涌出的羞愧。曾经的我肤浅地为自己争辩, 认为生命中拥有比上课考试之外更多值得体验的东西,如今看穿了,那不外是偶尔放纵, 逃避责任而为自己编写的堂皇借口。 因为,用心学习始终是学生的本分。

说白了,盲目的上课、准时交的习作、及格边缘的成绩单根本不足以为有限的学习生涯写下完美,因为考试过关并不是仅有目标,毕业更并非终极任务。考试前拚命地将讲义上的一字一句狠狠记牢,然后在考场上像默写般地将文字全然倒出,即使那么地文不对题也在所不惜,只是迫切地希望将卷子填满。离开考场的那一差那,脑袋晃了晃,记忆像面临期限的到来,瞬间消逝,仅留下空虚的躯壳供我回味。问自己考了啥?我不知道,我的记忆体大概只足以供给考试的那数句钟,离开考场,脑袋一片空白。

呵,学习麽?怎么那么让人感觉飘渺。显然这当中欠缺的,是学习的那一股热忱、一颗为学习而学习的心, 所以知识的记忆导体才会显得那么不堪一击。

为考试而念书的理念,充其量只能在考场得意,面对现实工作的考量,显然不能念出一片天空。

曾经的我,在毫无生气的心灵沙漠跺步,稚气地以为念书考试就已经是生命的泉源,徘徊了许久,才惊觉从来都将它误当为责任。责任背后没有灵魂的学习, 不过象海市蜃楼般来得不可靠。我在面壁思过,不瞒,有那么一刻,我真的希望能从墙壁挣出一条出路。

原来,欠缺灵魂的学习是那么的微不足道,犹像欠缺主干的树木,永远不能独立支撑成形。

再一次我在他面前,卑微得抬不起头。


然,我总算弄清楚了这一命运的原委。能够恣意畅然地遨游知识海洋,已经是最大的福分。我为自己曾经的糊涂捏了把冷汗,庆幸自己没有为此一蹶不振,然后笃定地承诺自己往后更具灵魂的学习模拟。

我告诉自己,这是一次从“心”的出发。话说白了,我没有后悔的余地。

就这一次,说定了!我期待一次由衷的释放。
 
posted by Jinlan at 12:45 PM, |

5 Comments:

  At 10:58 AM Blogger Jason said:
我相信自己也和你一样!:)咱们一起出发吧!
  At 6:42 PM Blogger 瘸子恒 said:
曾經何時﹐我借着天使的部落客路過這裡﹐發現這個修engineering的女生﹐竟然可以流利的寫文章﹑心情日記﹐只是當時我並不方便寫下留言。我想﹐一個人或許真的不能用她/他的學歷或身份來衡量吧﹖

對我來說﹐這是個新發現﹐也算得上是種驚喜﹐繼續加油
  At 1:54 PM Anonymous Anonymous said:
I'm just a random reader of blogs. And I stumbled upon this blog, and to be frank, I like your style of writing. ;)
And this post coincidentally says something that I feel. I've always told myself that there are much more important things other than mere exams and studies...But, I think it's just an excuse for me to slack off, to convince myself that not doing well in exams isn't something bad, as exams worth less compared to other "more important" things. :p So, haha, can infer that I don't actually do well in my exams.

p/s: sorry that I'd prefer to remain anonymous. Hope it won't offend you.
Your chinese and your writing are really readlly good!!! :-)
  At 9:18 AM Anonymous Anonymous said:
hi ya, wo qi shi bu zhi yao shou shen mo, dan zhi xiang gao shu ni exam zhi bu gou shi ren shang de yi bu xiao cha qu, kan de ye chong jiu hui zai hu de ye duo, ni yi zi du na mo zai hu dan yuen ni zhe de fand de kai, hao hao de xiang shou jie xia lai de holidays be
  At 7:27 PM Anonymous sinned said:
Hmm, you make me feel like I really have past my uni time USELESSLY and WASTEFULLY ... (watever description you have). But to me, exam is just an exam, it doesnt really justify how successful you are in what you really want. For me, as an IT guy lar, use to take theoritical exam easily but like to play around with programming. I wouldnt say I fail by judging from my CGPA, cos until now I still doing quite fine in that field, though I have switched field. I think most important is that you have a dream to go for. And for the time being (its 1 year back though), just do your best what you can in study but don't neglect your other interest which I think is equally important, cos in future, everything will change and you might not be applying what you learn from the text book, but maybe what you have experienced practically in your life.